My Journey Toward Thankfulness

It has been an interesting year. I will spare the gory details, but the honest truth is that I have had to work a whole lot harder at finding reasons to be thankful throughout this year. It's been much easier to give in to my fleshly attitudes of sarcasm, cynicism, and selfishness given our present trials. However, there are many blessings for which to be thankful, even when being tried by fire.

I have a God who loves me as I am, but obviously too much to leave me here. He is answering prayers of the past by "doing whatever it takes" to "make me more like Christ" … "even if it hurts." Despite my frail and faltering faith, He won't give up on me. He gives me chance after chance to respond to Him with the faith and trust that He is waiting to see in me. Thank you, God.

I have a loving, Godly husband who keeps me grounded and challenges me spiritually (he even makes me laugh from time to time!) and despite the true wretch that I am, he sees someone worth loving in me. Thank you, Matt.

I have a job working for/with people who love the Lord - a true blessing in today's world. Thank you, David, Miranda, and Stepping Stone staff.

I have the opportunity to further my education by studying counseling and integrating my passion for al things childbirth-related with what I am studying. In the process of studying things that I love, I am challenged to grow as an individual in every realm: physical, spiritual, emotional, etc. Thank you, HST - staff, professors, and colleagues.

I have family and friends who are real. They are the kind who stick with us even when life is at its messiest. They love us with their words and with their actions. They allow God to use them to bless us. Thank You, You Know Who You Are.

I have a precious kitty-cat. She is an incredible little creature who plays with me when I need a laugh and loves on me when I have had a rough day. She is truly therapeutic. She knows when something is wrong and expresses her concern by her actions towards me. She lets me know that she cares and that her love and care for me is unconditional! And when all else fails, she just sits there and looks cute and improves my day by just being there with me. (This part may be a little over-the-top for non-cat people … but I know my cat-loving friends will totally relate!) Thank you, Galilee.

The truth is, even when times are tough, there are really too many blessings to count. I could go on and talk about everything from role models, to physical health, to easy access to technology, to modern conveniences for which we should all be thankful. Yes, these are challenging times. But the Lord provides in infinite ways. His provision might not always come in the form I was hoping for, but when He sends manna, who am I to demand something more? He is my God, and I am not His god. And for that, I am eternally thankful!

I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving. Because in both good times and bad, we live lives of luxury and abundance. It is only our selfish demands for "more" that blind us to this truth. Count your blessings, you probably have more than you realized. And at the end of the day, I think sometimes it takes living a more simplified life for our eyes to be opened to the blessings that truly surround us. We live in times where anything we want or need is available to us in the blink of an eye. And most of us have the financial resources to make any of it happen. This "blessing" may truly be a curse in disguise. Materialism casts its spell on many of us (did you notice I said "us"?) and has the potential to turn wonderful, God-fearing people into ungrateful monsters. So in this season of thankfulness, consider being more generous. With Christmas on the horizon, we are entering one of the most selfish, materialistic seasons of the year (yes, I just said that). Consider giving away more than you buy and counting your blessings even when Thanksgiving is over. It truly is more blessed to give than to receive, and I bet it makes God smile a whole lot more!

I Surrender … Some?

The last thing I should be doing is recreational writing (I have a research paper due soon!), but when the urge hits, sometimes you just have to surrender. Speaking of surrender … that is something I've been having a lot of trouble with lately. In fact, it's the very thing I felt compelled to write about.

We humans can be pretty stubborn. And selfish. And ungrateful. I'm talking about myself, here. I've always heard people make comments like, "I have been trying to take control in my life … I need to give it to God … I need to trust Him and let Him be in control." Maybe I was in denial, but I always thought that was a weird comment. I never really had trouble letting God take the stage in my own life. At least not until my innocent, naive ways were taken over by my adult, sinful self.

The thing is, life hasn't been a bed of roses lately. In fact, it's been a lot more like taking a bath in manure on a nasty, hot, humid day. (And I don't know anyone - except maybe my dad ;) - that thinks their manure smells like a bed of roses.) And in my stubbornness, I've tried to be the God of God. Maybe not intentionally, but when it comes down to it, that's the truth of what I've been doing. Things haven't been going so great. And instead of surrendering (there's that word again!), I've tried to take control of the entire thing. I've been SO stubborn that I haven't even had the decency and humility to pray! I have continuously expected God to just do exactly what I want Him to do. And when He doesn't, I became angrier and angrier with Him. And the more angry I become, the more cynical and ungrateful my spirit becomes. As though He wasn't the King of the universe. As though my baptism was a claim that I was the Lord of me and He wasn't. As though He doesn't know far more what is best for me than I do. Hmmm. My way is sounding less and less great now. And when I really think about it, my pure ignorance is pretty embarrassing.

Sometimes living in the flesh can be pretty rough. I mean, as baptized believers, we do have the Holy Spirit as our Helper. But sometimes I really feel like there are two me's inside of me.  It's like the fleshly me is holding the spiritual me hostage. There's just something about that fleshly part inside that does NOT want to let go. No matter how much the Lord relentlessly pursues me  through His word and His people, that fleshly part just wants to hang on with all her might. As though letting go would mean death. But then … maybe it would? Letting go would, indeed, mean putting more of my sinful self to death. But that's good, right? Yet that stinking flesh holds on with so much vigor. The spiritual battle is real. I know who wins the war, but I have to improvise here in this battle. It's pretty easy for anyone to surrender some. But we are called to surrender all.

I think the longer we live, the more difficult surrender can become for us. It's like there is so much in this fleshly world to hold on to that it becomes immensely difficult to truly let go. It reminds me of the rich man who asked Jesus, "Lord, I've kept every commandment. What now?" And Jesus told him, "Go and sell all of your possessions and follow me." Although this present circumstance may or may not have to do with riches, the principle holds true for all. There is that part inside of us that just wants to hold on. And as long as that part holds on, we have not truly surrendered. As Christians, we've already said we will follow Him. But the real question then becomes, how far? How devoted will we be? What are we willing to lose for Him? Will we give it all up? Will we let Him take us over? Will we give Him our whole selves? Our whole bodies? Or will there always be two me's living inside of us?

Sometimes I wish I could just talk to Jesus in a live, physical, in-this-moment conversation. All of this spiritual stuff just seems so intangible most of the time, and something I could touch and see would be great, don't you think? But then I am reminded of His conversations with His apostles. When He was telling them that His departure was near, He promised that He would send a Comforter and Helper that would be even greater than having Him there physically: the Holy Spirit. And we have that same Spirit with us. The same power that raised Christ on the third day is the same power to which we have access. When we fully surrender all to Him, we, too, can be resurrected … with more of our fleshly selves put to death. With each death to self comes a resurrection in which we are raised look more like Him. It doesn't happen over night. It is a process that happens over a lifetime, called sanctification.

Redemption comes for those who have surrendered and died. We can't expect resurrection to happen without certain death to self.

Will you surrender all? Will I surrender all?