The last thing I should be doing is recreational writing (I have a research paper due soon!), but when the urge hits, sometimes you just have to surrender. Speaking of surrender … that is something I've been having a lot of trouble with lately. In fact, it's the very thing I felt compelled to write about.
We humans can be pretty stubborn. And selfish. And ungrateful. I'm talking about myself, here. I've always heard people make comments like, "I have been trying to take control in my life … I need to give it to God … I need to trust Him and let Him be in control." Maybe I was in denial, but I always thought that was a weird comment. I never really had trouble letting God take the stage in my own life. At least not until my innocent, naive ways were taken over by my adult, sinful self.
The thing is, life hasn't been a bed of roses lately. In fact, it's been a lot more like taking a bath in manure on a nasty, hot, humid day. (And I don't know anyone - except maybe my dad ;) - that thinks their manure smells like a bed of roses.) And in my stubbornness, I've tried to be the God of God. Maybe not intentionally, but when it comes down to it, that's the truth of what I've been doing. Things haven't been going so great. And instead of surrendering (there's that word again!), I've tried to take control of the entire thing. I've been SO stubborn that I haven't even had the decency and humility to pray! I have continuously expected God to just do exactly what I want Him to do. And when He doesn't, I became angrier and angrier with Him. And the more angry I become, the more cynical and ungrateful my spirit becomes. As though He wasn't the King of the universe. As though my baptism was a claim that I was the Lord of me and He wasn't. As though He doesn't know far more what is best for me than I do. Hmmm. My way is sounding less and less great now. And when I really think about it, my pure ignorance is pretty embarrassing.
Sometimes living in the flesh can be pretty rough. I mean, as baptized believers, we do have the Holy Spirit as our Helper. But sometimes I really feel like there are two me's inside of me. It's like the fleshly me is holding the spiritual me hostage. There's just something about that fleshly part inside that does NOT want to let go. No matter how much the Lord relentlessly pursues me through His word and His people, that fleshly part just wants to hang on with all her might. As though letting go would mean death. But then … maybe it would? Letting go would, indeed, mean putting more of my sinful self to death. But that's good, right? Yet that stinking flesh holds on with so much vigor. The spiritual battle is real. I know who wins the war, but I have to improvise here in this battle. It's pretty easy for anyone to surrender some. But we are called to surrender all.
I think the longer we live, the more difficult surrender can become for us. It's like there is so much in this fleshly world to hold on to that it becomes immensely difficult to truly let go. It reminds me of the rich man who asked Jesus, "Lord, I've kept every commandment. What now?" And Jesus told him, "Go and sell all of your possessions and follow me." Although this present circumstance may or may not have to do with riches, the principle holds true for all. There is that part inside of us that just wants to hold on. And as long as that part holds on, we have not truly surrendered. As Christians, we've already said we will follow Him. But the real question then becomes, how far? How devoted will we be? What are we willing to lose for Him? Will we give it all up? Will we let Him take us over? Will we give Him our whole selves? Our whole bodies? Or will there always be two me's living inside of us?
Sometimes I wish I could just talk to Jesus in a live, physical, in-this-moment conversation. All of this spiritual stuff just seems so intangible most of the time, and something I could touch and see would be great, don't you think? But then I am reminded of His conversations with His apostles. When He was telling them that His departure was near, He promised that He would send a Comforter and Helper that would be even greater than having Him there physically: the Holy Spirit. And we have that same Spirit with us. The same power that raised Christ on the third day is the same power to which we have access. When we fully surrender all to Him, we, too, can be resurrected … with more of our fleshly selves put to death. With each death to self comes a resurrection in which we are raised look more like Him. It doesn't happen over night. It is a process that happens over a lifetime, called sanctification.
Redemption comes for those who have surrendered and died. We can't expect resurrection to happen without certain death to self.
Will you surrender all? Will I surrender all?
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