24 Lessons I Have Learned in 24 Months of Marriage

It has been said that the first two years of marriage are the most difficult. I'm not sure if that holds true for every married couple or not. Our first two years have been more joyful than miserable. They've been more fun than unbearable. That being the case, we have learned some valuable lessons during our first 24 months together. I can't speak for my other half, but I can share some of the things that I've learned. In all honesty, if I didn't place a limit on how many things I share, I would probably never stop (hey, you learn something new everyday, right?). For that reason, I am going to list 24 lessons that I have learned in 24 months of marriage. Some may be serious and some may give you a good laugh. They are written in no particular order.

1) Laugh. No matter what else is going on, always find something to laugh about. Everyday. It's good medicine and you feel better about each other when you know you can be yourself and just laugh with each other.

2) Communicate. Don't expect your spouse to know what you are wishing he/she would do. Ladies, if you have a lot to do and you need him to lend a hand with the dishes, just ASK! Kindly. :) Chances are, he won't mind a bit. He didn't offer because he TRULY just didn't think about it. Don't expect your spouse to be a mind reader.

3) Accept. I don't care how compatible you are, your spouse will NEVER meet all of your expectations. You have two options: a) you can resent that fact that your spouse fails to meet your expectations, b) you can accept your spouse as he/she is. Chances are, your expectations are unrealistic anyway. That puts you in the place of the one who needs to change. You can't expect your spouse to be something that is unrealistic. The best option is to accept and appreciate him or her as is.

4) Forgive. We've never been a couple to hold a grudge towards each other, at least not on purpose. We never stay mad at each other for more than a few minutes, a couple of hours tops. Never let yourself go for days or weeks angry at each other. Life is too short and marriage is too sweet to make it miserable for both of you. Get over it and move on. Be willing to agree that you both win, and move on to bigger and better things.

5) Inform. This might be a little crass, but it's necessary. Ladies, inform your man when it's "that time of the month." You, like every other female, will probably get ticked at him for something you would never get ticked about at any other time ever. He will take it personally, get confused, and be angry. By simply informing him that it's about that time, he will expect it and won't think a thing about it. If he knows how to treat a woman, he will be gracious and take whatever you throw at him, knowing that it's nothing personal.

6) Take Pictures. We had engagement pictures taken in the fall, right before our December wedding. Since then, we have had pictures taken each of the subsequent years around the same time. It is amazing to look back to the engagement pictures and see how we've changed in just a little over two years. We just look more mature than we did then. And I have no doubt that when children come along, looking at those old pictures will be a blast for the whole family. And when we are old and gray, we will be able to see every stage of our lives. It's not always convenient, but it's definitely worth it. Even if you have to drag your husband kicking and screaming, he'll be glad you did when it's over with.

7) Choose. Most people associate love with a big rush of happy, warm, fuzzy emotions. If you expect marriage to succeed because of love defined in this way, just know that you're doomed for failure. The purest form of love is love as a choice. This is the type of love that creates a committed marriage that lasts a lifetime. Plain and simple, there will be days when you don't like each other that much. There will be times when you just don't want to show your love for your spouse. But guess what? God wants you to do it anyway. That's why he commands Christians to deny ourselves daily. That means when we don't really want to do something for our spouse, we choose to do it anyway because it is what is best for them. We do it anyway because God expects it. We do it anyway because we promised on December 18, 2010 that we would.

8) Dream. Some of the best moments we've had since we've been married have been the moments when we plan goals and dream about the future together. When you accomplish great milestones, you imagine what the next one will be like. You talk about the future and plan how you hope things will be. These are some of the most energizing conversations we have had. Dreaming together and planning your future together is another part of being committed to each other for a lifetime.

9) Dress Well. If you are planning on accomplishing great things together, dress like it. When I was in high school, I wore t-shirts and jeans almost every single day. There's nothing wrong with that, and I still wear that stuff occasionally. But I've made big changes in that department, and it's amazing how it can make you feel about yourself. Dress for success and you can expect to succeed. And both spouses appreciate seeing one another care enough to dress well. When you feel good about your appearance, you are more confident in who you are, and that positively impacts your marriage along with everything else that you do.

10) Celebrate. When one of you accomplishes something that matters a lot, big or small, celebrate it together. Young married couples are each other's main cheerleader. When something great is accomplished, show the other than you care and that you are proud of them. You need that support and encouragement from each other.

11) Throw Things Away. Don't accumulate junk. Start your marriage off with the good habit of throwing out, or donating, what you don't need. Trust me, it doesn't take long to accumulate enough for two (or more!) households. And clutter can drive you both crazy. Do yourselves a favor and make the habit of going through and de-cluttering a few times a year. You'll thank yourselves for it.

12) Try New Things. There is always something that you've never done together. Find something like that occasionally and do it. You might not enjoy it. You might find you hate it. You might find you love it. But the fun part is doing it together for the first time.

13) Do Old Things. Take the time to go do some of the things you did when you were dating, or things you did together on your honeymoon. It's always good to remember those old times and make new memories in the here and now. Doing things you use to do together can remind you why your together and renew appreciation for one another.

14) Recognize Important Dates. Gifts might not matter much to one or both of you. And that's fine. But it's still important to recognize birthdays, anniversaries, and the like. If you hate gifts, take a trip together or go do something you've been wanting to do for a while. Even if you hate gifts, everyone loves receiving a card. And if going to pick out a card is too difficult, open up a Microsoft Word document and just write down a few thoughts for each other. But DON'T, and I mean DON'T ignore the date altogether. It's nice to have something to save so you can look back at it through the years and appreciate each other more.

15) Care. Both of you will have your own different passions in life. When you're passionate about something, you're going to talk about it, probably a lot. Listen to each other talk about your passions. Express enthusiasm and encourage each other in these areas. Passion is what drives people to do great things and be successful. Help your spouse become all he/she can be by supporting them in their passions.

16) Compromise. This one probably goes without saying. Sometimes you want one thing to happen and your spouse wants another thing to happen. Be willing to give a little and meet in the middle. And once you do compromise, be happy about it. Don't keep holding a grudge about things not going exactly your way. Compromise and then move on.

17) Cuddle. Cuddling is easy when your dating. You always want to be together and being together always includes some form of cuddling, hugging, and holding. After a few months of marriage, this decreases substantially. Make time for it. It really makes you both feel good to hug and cuddle. And sometimes you might need that when you don't even realize it. It's good medicine. Add "we need some cuddle time" to your regular vocabulary.

18) Be a Servant. Something I've grown to appreciate about Matt is his servant heart. He always puts others first and has the most impeccable manners. He never takes the closest parking spot, never walks ahead of someone else, and never fights to be first. If he needs to get up, he almost always asks me if I need or want anything. I've made it a habit of doing the same for him. If we are blessed with children someday, we hope they can pick up on that type of attitude.

19) Read Books. One of the most beneficial things we have done for our relationship is read marriage books together. For us, the way this usually works is we pick out a book together and I read it out loud when we are traveling in the car. This has worked well for us because we tend to travel quite a bit. But being willing to read these books with the attitude that there is always room to improve and grow is so beneficial for both of you.

20) Splurge. One of the facts of life is that it costs money to do things. Be creative. You can always find something affordable. But you should always be willing to splurge occasionally for each other. That might mean eating at your favorite but expensive restaurant once a year. It might mean spending a couple of nights in Gatlinburg together. It might mean buying a shirt or a book for your spouse. But be willing to INVEST in your marriage.

21) Maintain Good Health. We don't win in this area. We aren't the best about eating and exercising well. But we have improved! If you need to shed a few pounds, do it together. And even if one of you doesn't need to lose weight, do it together anyway if it will help your spouse achieve better health. Create an exercise routine to do together, whether it's walking, running, or going to the gym. Hold each other accountable. It's a lot easier when your doing those things as a team than when you're going at it alone.

22) Never Degrade. Don't call each other names. Don't put each other down. Not even jokingly. Most people are critical enough of themselves, without their spouse joining in. Never put each other down to each other's face, or to anyone else. Don't take part in spouse-bashing. It's not beneficial for ANYONE and does nothing but build resentment in you. If you're angry and tempted to do this in the heat of the moment, just leave the room. Don't say a word until you've calmed down.

23) Always Build Up. You can never say enough kind, encouraging words to each other. Always be the first to compliment and congratulate each other. Speak well of each other everywhere, be it in front of your friends, in front of your family, on Facebook, in the pulpit, to your children, or otherwise. If you put your spouse down, you might as well be putting yourself down as well because YOU picked your spouse. Be proud of your choice and speak highly of your spouse always.

24) Get a Pet. Laugh if you want. If you don't already have a pet, get one. This is especially true if you either don't have kids yet and won't for a while or if your kids are gone. It has been astonishing how much getting our little cat has impacted us in positive ways. No matter how discouraging our day is, we always come home to the sweetest little kitty. We both love her to pieces and it's someone we have in common that we can love and share and nurture together. She has brought so much joy into our marriage, more than we ever dreamed was possible.

My prayer is that someone, somewhere, will read this and learn at least one valuable lesson that they can incorporate into their marriage. At the very least, maybe something here will inspire someone to be better than they are. We don't live up to each of these perfectly. But being aware of them can sometimes make all the difference. The time is upon us where the odds are against the majority of married couples to be together "til' death do us part." It is my prayer that something here will help some couple, somewhere, beat those odds. We both have plenty of odds stacked against us. But since day one, divorce has never been an option. In fact, it's never even been in our vocabulary. And we have no doubt that we will be together until death. Our covenant with God is unbreakable and we take our vows to each other as seriously as we take our commitment to Christ. We will be faithful to the end.

how it all began

Tomorrow we will celebrate two years since we became one. Here is how it all began:

She was a senior at Mars Hill Bible School. It was March, and she was counting down the days to graduation. The days to getting out of that place, and finally moving to Henderson. She couldn’t wait until she would FINALLY be a student at Freed-Hardeman University. It was all she had dreamed of since she was in the 7th grade.

She had never dated anyone before. Never even kissed anyone, for that matter. Not that she didn’t want to; but no one was ever really interested (God had a reason for that, which will be revealed later). In fact, she wanted her love story so desperately. She was the epitome of hopeless romantic. At different points in her teen years, she longed to have a boyfriend. To have someone special. To have someone that thought she was “worth fighting for.” Someone that thought she was lovely. Someone to love. Someone to love her. And then one day, she realized that she already had that Someone. His name was Jesus Christ. So she stopped worrying. She knew. She knew He was writing her love story. And she knew she just had to be patient until He was ready. Because she learned that she had to be willing to drop it all and run on His schedule.

When she finally stopped worrying and submitted her life to Him, she decided that in the meantime (until He was ready to bring Prince Charming into her life) she would use all of her spare time to focus on God. And to grow into a deeper, more meaningful relationship to Him. She became a lover of God and of all things Godly and spiritual. She prayed for her Prince Charming often. She prayed for his safety, his success, his purity, and many other things. She even prayed that he might even be a minister. She wanted a man that was as committed to God as she was. And if was committed to sharing the Gospel, he must be the “man after God’s own heart” that she was looking for.

When she became a Senior in high school, she couldn’t help but think in the back of her mind “maybe God will introduce him (Prince Charming) to me when I get to Freed-Hardeman.” This caused her to anticipate and be excited about going there more than ever before. She had planned everything. She was going to room with her best friend, Haley Behel. She had scholarships and grant money lined up. And for Freed-Hardeman, she had scored a pretty awesome financial deal. She made frequent trips to the campus to meet people, make connections. And she prayed about it constantly. She prayed about the Prince she hoped God would bring to her.

But in March of 2009, before she ever reached graduation, she was stopped in her tracks. With plans to go to FHU, room with her best friend, and even a guy she was talking to who was also going to FH, she was brought to a screeching halt. On a Wednesday night, at church, she met him. AND THEN IT STARTED.

He was a Freshmen at Heritage Christian University. He was pursuing a degree in Biblical Studies. He was the youth minister at East Colbert, one of the local congregations. He had beautiful brown eyes and light brown hair that, ironically, was almost the exact shade of hers. He dressed respectably. He was there that night on a campaign with HCU and he took part in the service. He spoke. He spoke about grace. “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound.” And it was eloquent.

She was so set on her plans for FH, and wasn’t even thinking of the option that she might meet Prince Charming right now. She knew he must be waiting for her in Henderson. But she wanted to encourage these Bible students. They had noble goals, after all. So she walked out to the foyer and met different ones, hoping to encourage them in their work for the Lord.

Then she walked up to him. And he was so kind. So gentle. So genuine. And the conversation was so easy.

After the services that evening, the youth group was going to stay and sing for a while. The Bible students were invited to join. Both of them stayed. Both of them worshipped and sang praises to God that night, across from their future spouse. And neither had a clue.

Little did either of them know, this was it. This was that once-in-a-lifetime moment. Neither had any idea that night, in March 2009, that the two of them would be married in December of 2010. In fact, they probably would have thought you were crazy if you told them.

And they are living Happily Ever After.

gluttony

There. I said it. It's the one sin that is, somehow, excusable. Or is it? If there is one thing Christians are known for, it's eating. We all love to eat. Somehow, when people gather, there is always food! We joke about being guilty of gluttony, and for some reason not a lot of people take it very seriously. You're probably thinking "Seriously, Hannah? Of all times for you to address this one. It's almost Christmas!" Thanksgiving and Christmas are symbols of what a gluttonous people we are. We threw away so much food at Thanksgiving, and it was heart-wrenching to me as I thought about so many who do not have a meal to eat, much less the luxury of throwing away what would probably amount to 10 or 12 meals. Let me be the first to say that I am by no means innocent. I, too, have been guilty of this sin.

You might wonder what provokes me to talk about gluttony. I realized I had been guilty of gluttony for most of my life during the first week of November. You see, the first week of November was my first week on Weight Watchers. One of the big selling points for those on Weight Watchers is to eat not until you're full but until you're satisfied. When I began tracking my points and keeping up with what I ate, I began to realize that I had been eating much more than my body needed. I realized that I had, in fact, been living to eat more than I had been eating to live. As I began controlling what I ate, I realized that I didn't have to be controlled by food. Upon my realizations, I became convicted about my sin. I realized that I had been guilty of not only gluttony, but a serious lack of self-control that spilled over in to other areas of my life as well. Another big selling point for Weight Watchers is the concept of moderation. It's not wrong to eat your favorite ice cream or your grandmother's famous fried chicken. But you have to eat those things in moderation. You have to learn how to control your portions. You have to be able to make yourself stop eating it.

When I look at what the Bible tells us about gluttony, I notice a couple of things. First, most of the passages that mention gluttony explicitly are in the Old Testament. Well there you go! That means we are excused after all, right? Wrong! Though the New Testament might not mention gluttony as specifically as the Old Testament, the topic is still covered in a broader concept, a fruit of the Spirit known as self-control. Before I talk about self-control, I want to direct your attention to Proverbs 23. While the Proverbs are in the Old Testament, by their very nature they apply to people throughout time, even for Christians who are living under the new covenant of grace. Proverbs fall into the genre of wisdom literature and the wisdom found in them is generally (though not ALWAYS) true.

Proverbs 23:2 states: "Put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony." I don't think the writer is encouraging gluttons to commit suicide, and I certainly am not! But I do believe that his intention is to point out the seriousness of the inability to control your eating habits.

The New Testament addresses the sin of gluttony under the broader concept of self-control. Notice Galatians 5:16-26. Paul writes,

"But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, division, envy,drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another."

There are several things I want to point out from this reading.

First, gluttony falls under the umbrella of "works of the flesh." After listing several areas, Paul includes the phrase "and things like these." Gluttony, like the other sins, is an undesirable quality.

Second, if you are not convinced that gluttony is a work of the flesh, let me convince you that gluttony is a sin of idolatry. For a glutton, food is an idol. For a glutton, food becomes more important that God. Idolatry is as real today as it has ever been, without the need of statues and graven images. Anything that gets first place instead of God is an idol.

Third, gluttony can easily be likened to something Paul DOES warn against: drunkenness. We all know what drunkenness is, it happens when a person fails to control their intake of alcohol. On the other side of the same coin, gluttony occurs when we fail to control our intake of food. When Paul includes "drunkenness" and concludes with "and other things like these," gluttony should be one of the first things we think about! Fourth, Paul says that those who are Christians are walking by the Spirit. And if a person is walking by the Spirit, self-control is an evident fruit in their life. There is no denying it here. Gluttony is over-eating. It is eating more food than is needed, sometimes to the point of making oneself sick, because it tastes good. Gluttony is the sin of over-indulging in something pleasurable. If you are guilty of gluttony, self-control is not evident in your life. This should lead you to question whether or not you are really walking by the Spirit.

When I began to ponder my lack of self-control in the area of eating, I started exploring other areas of my life. I found that I had lacked self-control in more areas than I wished to admit, including time-management, money-management, tendencies to procrastinate, and more. Taking control of my eating habits is leading me to consider how I can take better control of other areas as well. You see, when you are guilty of gluttony, it won't take long for you to find a lack of self-control in other areas. It's not a matter of sinning in that one area. It's a matter of lacking self-control in a MULTITUDE of areas. God wants us to take control with the help of the Spirit so that we can have a better quality of life and accomplish more for His kingdom.

I'm not perfect. I still eat more than I should sometimes. I still spend money when I probably should have saved it every now and then. I still procrastinate doing one thing or another. But I am aware. And I am taking small steps to improve.

I've brought it to your attention. It's up to you what you do with it. My prayer is that you, too, can walk in the Spirit a little more each day by allowing God to develop the fruit of self-control in your life.

Appearances: Why Do We Care So Much?

I have this struggle. We all have different struggles, of course. But I have this one in particular. One that I've dealt with for a long time. One that affects me, my performance, and how I feel about myself on almost a daily basis. My struggle is this: I want to be pretty, but I don't believe that I am. I feel pressured to be pretty, but I don't believe that I am. I can't stop comparing myself with others. And when I do, my thoughts are nearly always things like "I wish I were that pretty."

Really, though, I shouldn't care about appearance. I shouldn't be so concerned that I am "not pretty." Because I know it as well as you. I know that God isn't concerned with the outside. He is concerned with the inside. 1 Samuel 16:6 says that "the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." And I also realize that even those who are blessed with physical beauty will one day be old and gray and wrinkled. I realize it doesn't last forever. I've heard it all of my life: "Pretty is as pretty does."

But I can't seem to make the struggle end. I can't seem to stop wishing I were pretty. And I find myself asking the question: "Why"?

Why don't I think I am pretty the way I am?
Why do I think everyone else is prettier than me?
Why do I want to be pretty so badly?
Why do I care about appearances so much, when I know it's not what matters?

And in my pondering I can come to several different answers. But one of the answers that is completely obvious is the fact that we live in a culture that demands beauty. Especially to young women.

Think about the media. Constantly, there are advertisements for beauty related things: weight-loss, hair dye, make-up, clothing, exercise gimmicks, I could go on and on.

The average woman in America weighs between 145-160 pounds, and wears I size 12. (FYI, Marilyn Monroe is believed to have worn a size 12). But in our culture, you have to be a size 1 to be "pretty."

It is interesting to do research on the topic of media and self-esteem. A young girl who watches 3 minutes of commercial advertising is guaranteed to walk away feeling bad about herself. It's no wonder so many teens are suffering of eating disorders! Media is pressuring us to meet impossible and abnormal standards!

Media is telling us that we are not good enough the way we are, and that we will only be pretty when we use this product, lose that much weight, wear our hair this way, and can fit into skinny jeans and look sexy in them.

And even being aware of this, and the fact that I don't need to fall for all of this, it's still hard to not think about it everyday.

Everyday, there is something negative to notice. Everyday, there is a reason I am not good enough the way I am.

So how do I find comfort? I can think about being in Heaven with God. In Heaven, where we no longer have our physical bodies. Where we are only souls, and we are beautiful and perfect in the eyes of God.

Each day, I will struggle with thinking "Why can't I look like that?" or "Why can't I have skin like that?" And only in Heaven will it never cross my mind. Only in Heaven will I know I am beautiful. Only in Heaven will physical beauty TRULY not matter.

Because as much as I know it doesn't matter to God even now, it will always matter to humans.

There are days when acne is so bad, or I feel so fat, or I simply don't feel attractive, and I don't even want to show my face to anyone. But I can't do that. I have to proceed with my day, smile, and act like I am perfectly fine. While inside, I am humiliated that people see me like this.

But I can be joyful as I long for the day when I can be in Heaven with my Father, and all He will see is my soul. All He will see is Jesus in all of His perfection, as He has swapped places with me that I might inherit eternal life.

And until then, I will keep reminding myself that I shouldn't listen to the culture or the media. That I shouldn't care what people think, but rather what God thinks.

I will keep doing everything I can with what I've got, and proceeding with my life with a smile. Because what else can we do? We are only as pretty as we are, and there is just not much else to do about it. So I can focus on the inside. You see, when we have become as beautiful as possible on the outside,there is still ALWAYS room to grow more beautiful on the inside. More beautiful where it REALLY matters.