This is a word that has been used in many different contexts about many different things and with many different meanings. But when we speak of the love shared between a husband and wife, love in its purest form is a choice. Choosing to be selfless, and sacrificial for another. The Greek word agape is the word that this type of love can be traced to.
Two people meet and for quite some time, neither can get the other of his or her mind. When they see each other, their hearts race. They can't get enough of each other. We typically call this "falling in love." This form of love is full of feeling and emotion. When experiencing it for the first time, it can be completely amazing. In a book I was reading, this experience was referred to as the "in love obsession". I tend to agree with that label. This form of love is wonderful, created by God, and has it's time and place.
What needs to be noted, however, is that this "in love obsession" -- these feelings and emotions that dominate our hearts and minds -- do not and are not meant to last forever. And that's when you have to make a choice. Are you going to be committed, and stick together no matter what? Or are you going to give up. Are you going to decide that you "just don't feel the same way about him/her anymore" and end it? The fact is, it doesn't matter who you are with. The feelings are not going to remain forever. And when they go away, it doesn't mean that you're not really with "the one."
Overcoming this first great hurdle in a relationship is what makes love begin to become real, pure, and mature. When both in the relationship make the decision to stick it out no matter what, real love is given the opportunity to take place. Real, sacrificial, selfless, agape love.
Why? When the feelings and emotions are gone, it is more difficult to show your love for each other. Many of the things you did for each other in the beginning are harder to do. An immature person will say "I'm not going to fill in the blank unless I mean it. That's like lying. That's hypocritical." This person is making excuses. The mature person looks and sees that the feelings are not there. The last things this person wants to do is fill in the blank to love this person. But love in the purest sense is when you make the decision to love your spouse FOR HIS/HER SAKE. You do it because it's best for that person. This is the selfless, sacrificial love that we are called to learn.
The best thing about making the decision to love on purpose, when you least want to, is that eventually the feelings come back. These surges of emotions will rise and fall throughout the relationship. They may be gone now, but in a few weeks, they tend to come back even greater and stronger than before. This is why it is worth it to stick together, even when the feelings and emotions are not necessarily there.
The greatest mistake is to wait, and not make a move to love the other person until the feelings come back. If you are waiting for the feelings to come back, they probably will not. The interesting thing is that when one person is mature enough to step up and to love despite the strong desire NOT to, often the person they love will reciprocate. This will get the love flowing again, and the feelings will begin to come back.
We live in a world that is upside-down. Jesus' message is to go from upside-down to right-side up. This is why the life of a Christian looks so odd to those in the world. And this is why the right thing to do can often seem odd to a Christian, who is surrounded by those of the world who are living upside-down. The world says that love is all about feelings, emotions, romance, and sex. The world says that when these things are not present, the relationship should be ended and you should move on and find someone else. This is why divorce is so rampant in our society. If Christians can live right-side up -- love when they least want to, deny self for the sake of their partner, act selflessly -- we can stop divorce in its tracks.
Is it worth it? What are you going to do? I don't know what situations my readers are in. To those who are single, plant this knowledge into your heart. And when you experience love, know that the feelings are not going to last forever. And know that the best thing you can do is make the choice to love, even when you don't want to. To those who are married, use this information to revitalize your marriage. Learn how your spouse feels loved and love them despite the fact the the feelings are not there. To those who are in dating relationships, you may not yet understand this truth. If the feelings are still there, don't expect them to last forever. But don't think they are not the one just because the feelings disappear. If the feelings are no longer there, maybe you are wondering if this is the right one or not. Maybe you don't understand why the feelings are gone. Choose to love anyway. Because I promise, those feelings are not gone forever. Just as feelings and emotions do not last forever, they also do not stay gone forever. And if you stick it out and CHOOSE to love, they will come back.
I pray that readers will see improved relationships as they try and put this into practice.
For further reading that will address some of this in detail, I recommend the following books:
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