Are You a Transitional Person?

A self-fulfilling prophecy is a commonly known phenomenon where what is expected to happen ends up being what happens. In other words, a strong belief about a person (though it may actually be false) will influence/alter that person's actions so that the prediction comes true.

An easy to understand example: a teenager's parents are overly controlling of him because they are convinced that if he goes out, he will drink. Realistically, the teen has never had any interest in drinking. He just wants to enjoy a night bowling with some buddies. But every time he wants to go out, his parents talk about how they don't want him to drink. They vocalize the expectation that this is what he will do if they give him too much freedom. As a result, he eventually ends up in trouble with alcohol. It could be speculated that his parents created a self-fulfilling prophecy that altered his actions.

We can think of numerous examples of these self-fulfilling prophecies. We have all seen them. But I want to draw attention to a form they take that I was not previously aware of. My attention was drawn to this during one of my graduate classes.

"If your parent was an alcoholic, you will probably grow up to be an alcoholic."

"If your parents are divorced, you will probably get a divorce."

"If your parents abused drugs, you will probably abuse drugs."

How often have you heard these kinds of statements? The meanings of these statements have been misunderstood by a large part of the population. So often, these statements have been interpreted to mean that the majority of the children from dysfunctional families grow up to have dysfunctional families of their own. This could not be further from the truth! 

The statements would be more accurately stated like this:

"Children of alcoholics have a greater likelihood of becoming alcoholic."

"Children with divorces parents have a greater likelihood of becoming divorced."

"Children whose parents abused drugs have a greater likelihood of abusing drugs."

Indeed, coming from a dysfunctional family creates the possibility of children who will continue that dysfunctional cycle. There is a greater likelihood. However, the majority of children from dysfunctional homes do not do what their parents did. 

In light of this information, I began to ponder: how many children who actually end up perpetuating their parents' dysfunction do so only because people expected them to? In other words, the misunderstanding of the above information creates a self-fulfilling prophecy that alters the actions and outcomes of the children. They somehow think that this was they life that they were meant to live and they really have little choice in the matter. 

But there is another concept I want to introduce to the discussion, and that is the concept of a transitional person. A transitional person is a person who breaks a dysfunctional cycle within a family and creates a new, healthy legacy for their family and future generations.

The point is, people who come from dysfunctional backgrounds do not have to live a life of dysfunction. 

Now, I want to intertwine the concept of a transitional person with what we understand to be a Christian.

Christ offers His grace and salvation to everyone. From every background. Even the most dysfunctional ones. And within that gift of salvation, he also imparts the gift of the indwelling Holy Spirit, through whom Christians receive the transformative power to become sanctified and holy. To stand apart. To break away from dysfunction and live a life that emulates Christ's. 

No matter what background you come from or how messed up it is/was, you have a choice. And that choice is yours. It's yours alone. You cannot blame anyone for the choice you make. It is your choice and your life. But you have an option. Through Christ, you can become a transitional person. In other words, you can become a Christian. And the best part about it is, part of becoming a Christian means that you can teach others how to achieve the same thing.

This is what God calls us to be. A Christian stands out from the world as a transitional person who breaks the dysfunctional patterns of the world and call others to a higher standard of living: a life of self-denial.

"...I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." - Jesus (John 10:10)

Even to the Point of ... Death?

Sometimes, life stinks. In your zeal and loyalty to God, you make the decision to be bold and stay committed to Him, no matter where that takes you. The popular belief is that your zeal, commitment, and faithfulness will take you down a path full of blessings – easy and comfortable. But the truth is, sometimes God calls us to follow Him – even to the point of death. In other words, we remain true to Him, no matter the consequence. Those consequences are often good. Following God and choosing His righteousness is, without a doubt, going to result in the best possible life a Christian can have in this fallen world. But more often than we care to admit, remaining faithful to God and living righteously results in negative consequences. Otherwise, why would John have written his words in Revelation: “…be faithful unto death …”? Sometimes being faithful to God means that, in this physical world, we lose. Maybe it means you lose your friends. Or it could mean you lose your fancy car. Maybe it means you lose your much too luxurious home or a portion of the clothes that, let’s be honest, you have too much of. It might mean you lose a portion of your savings because lost souls are a little bit more important than your own financial security. Or maybe God will require you to lose your job. Or, and this one is radical, what if following Him literally means losing your life? The fact is, following Christ to the cross doesn’t mean you will have every physical gain. It often means that you will lose something in the here in now. That’s why in his letter to the Philippians, Paul said “For me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.”

Accepting this truth and committing to follow Him no matter the loss is not easy for anyone. After all, in America we have become accustomed to enjoying our big fancy church buildings, hip fun church trips, trendy “Christian” messages, all while climbing the social ladder and enjoying our American dream. We are not accustomed to losing much of anything for the sake of Christ.

When you realize that His higher calling means you must lose something, you have two choices. You can commit to follow Him all the way or you can make the easier decision of following Him “except for fill in the blank.” (And in case you’re wondering, the latter choice means you’re actually not following Him. And if you’re not following Him, it’s not hard to guess who you are following.)

For those who commit to the higher calling, let me warn you. It won’t be easy. You see, you will commit to following Him no matter what. And when the rubber meets the road, with the Spirit’s help, you will boldly stand for Him. And when it results in losing, no matter what that may mean in your life, you will feel like you are on top of the world. You know that you lost something significant to you. But you know that God required it of you. And that knowledge will sustain you for a while. But in the time that follows, guess who is going to come knocking at your door? You guessed it. The Deceiver himself. He isn’t too crazy about this radical decision you’ve just made. And it bothers him even more that you feel good about it. So he is going to make your life a living Hell for the next few days.

In those days, you’ll hear his voice. It will sounds something like this:

“Isn’t this humiliating?”

“It wasn’t really worth it, was it?”

“Are you sure God really delivered you?”

“You’re just being self-righteous. Trying to make yourself a hero.”

“You did that for God. But where is He now?”

“God doesn’t really care what you did or lost on His behalf.”

“Are you sure He’s really there, anyway? Where is He now?”

“If God is really there, what kind of God is He? You lose all of this for Him and He doesn’t even deliver?”

The consequences of what you have lost and the significance of those losses will begin to play out and you will start to need God’s deliverance more than ever before. You’ll probably begin to feel pretty lonely. It will seem like God is so distant and Satan’s lies will begin to make a lot of sense in your head. You’ll feel yourself becoming angry with God. And Psalm 88 will become your battle cry:

“God, you’re my last chance of the day. I spend the night on my knees before you. Put me on your salvation agenda; take notes on the trouble I’m in.
I’ve had my fill of trouble; I’m camped on the edge of hell. I’m written off as a lost cause, one more statistic, a hopeless case. Abandoned as already dead, one more body in a stack of corpses, And not so much as a gravestone—I’m a black hole in oblivion. You’ve dropped me into a bottomless pit, sunk me in a pitch-black abyss. I’m battered senseless by your rage,
relentlessly pounded by your waves of anger.
You turned my friends against me,
made me horrible to them.
I’m caught in a maze and can’t find my way out,
blinded by tears of pain and frustration. I call to you, God; all day I call. I wring my hands, I plead for help. Are the dead a live audience for your miracles? Do ghosts ever join the choirs that praise you? Does your love make any difference in a graveyard? Is your faithful presence noticed in the corridors of hell? Are your marvelous wonders ever seen in the dark, your righteous ways noticed in the Land of No Memory? I’m standing my ground, God, shouting for help, at my prayers every morning, on my knees each daybreak.
Why, God, do you turn a deaf ear?
Why do you make yourself scarce?
For as long as I remember I’ve been hurting; I’ve taken the worst you can hand out, and I’ve had it.
Your wildfire anger has blazed through my life; I’m bleeding, black-and-blue.
You’ve attacked me fiercely from every side,
raining down blows till I’m nearly dead.
You made lover and neighbor alike dump me; the only friend I have left is Darkness.”

Psalm 88 (The Message)

Somehow, God expects us to blindly follow Him, no matter the loss. And what happens after that in the here in now might be good or it might be bad. But He has promised that when we follow Him even to death, the result in eternity is far better than anything we can possibly imagine. And no matter where things go in the here and now, we have to hold on to that one single promise. Because without the hope contained in that promise, it is impossible to go on following Him with such blind, bull-in-a-china-shop faith. 

The Marks of a True Christian: Fruit and Love

 

In recent months, God has impressed on my heart the importance of bearing fruit and loving one another. There are a number of things that people like to use as “identifiers” for Christians. For some, it’s a t-shirt or a bumper sticker. For others, it’s whether or not a person is at church every time the door is open. For still others, questions regarding just how much and what the person understood at the time of their salvation are considered to be the most crucial. However, Scripture is clear in telling us how to know a Christian when we see one. 

The first way we read about is the bearing of fruit. The Bible talks about the fruit that different people bear numerous times.

The most obvious time is in Galatians when Paul writes about the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These character traits are those of Christ. Christians have the Holy Spirit dwelling within them and as they submit to God’s will, He manifests these character traits in their lives.

Peter, one of Jesus' disciples, taught that a person receives the gift of the Holy Spirit when he or she becomes a Christian. Upon being asked what to do when the people were pricked to the heart due to their lost state, Peter replied: "Each of you must repent of your sins and turn to God, and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. Then you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. This promise is to you, and to your children, and even to the Gentiles--all who have been called by the Lord our God" (Acts 2:38-39). True Christians will embody the fruits of the Spirit. Without the gift of the Holy Spirit, the good fruit of the Spirit cannot be produced in a person's life.

In order for a person to receive the gift of the Holy Spirit, he or she must become a Christian. Moreover, in order for a person bto ear good fruit, he or she must have the gift of the Holy Spirit and be actively submitting to Him. However, it must be understood just because a person is a baptized Christian who at one time received the gift of the Holy Spirit, this does not necessarily imply that all such individuals are bearing good fruit. Unfortunately, it is sometimes the case that baptized Christians do not submit to the will of God by bearing their crosses. In these cases, the Spirit is quenched--prevented from producing fruit in the life of such an individual. As a result, many people who call themselves Christians, instead of producing the good fruit of the Spirit, produce bad fruit. Those who find themselves in this category must be challenged to question whether or not they are, indeed, faithful Christians.
 

Luke 6:43-45 further confirms that Christians and non-Christians are recognized by their fruit: “A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. A tree is identified by its fruit. Figs are never gathered from thornbushes, and grapes are not picked from bramble bushes. A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.”

 In context, Matthew 7 is discussing how to recognize a false prophet. However, I think it is safe to say that the message conveyed can be broadened to describe non-Christians as well: “You can identify them by their fruit, that is, the way they act. Can you pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? A good tree produces good fruit, and a bad tree produces bad fruit. So every tree that does not produce good fruit is chopped down and thrown into the fire. Yes, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit, so you can identify people by their actions.”

A second way Scripture teaches we can identify Christians is by their love for each other. A multitude of Scriptures indicate how important love is in the life of a Christian. The clearest passage in this context is John 13:34-35: “So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples." 

God has used my environment to shed light on these concepts for me. Christianity really works, and when people live out Biblical concepts, it is evident to all who are around. And those who are not living out these concepts are bearing fruit that God warns against. True Christians have changed lives. Just because people are at church every time the door is open does not mean they are true Christians. Their daily lives must resemble the fruits of the Spirit. Their actions must exemplify Christ. Non-Christians are not bearing good fruit. Instead, their lives are marked by selfishness and a lack of concern for or interested in others. They are marked by the tendency to complain and put others down. They are busy trying to find satisfaction in material wealth and other dead-ends.

The unpopular truth is this: churches are full of non-Christians. That is, churches are full of people who are deceived into thinking that by committing 1-4 hours of their week to God by going to church, they are in the clear. Yet they live their lives the way they want to, often in total defiance to God’s way. Churches are full of people who claim to be Christians who have never even touched their cross, much less picked it up or bore it. Churches are full of people who simply do not follow Christ. They don’t bear fruit and their interactions with others are a far cry from exemplifying the love of Christ.

The dilemma created by this unpopular truth is that it is often difficult for true Christians and Christ-seekers to actually figure out who the true Christians are. They are lost among thousands of people who are deceived into thinking they are Christians. So how do you identify a true Christian? You examine their life to see if they are bearing good fruit (the fruit of the Spirit) and to see if they are proving their loyalty to Christ by loving one another earnestly and zealously.

Do you claim to be a Christian? If so, are these two qualities evident in your life? If not, make a change or stop claiming to be a Christian. Because the fact is, when you don’t live up to that claim by letting Christ be manifested in you, you repel the lost. The challenge for Christians is to strive to attain these qualities more in every single day, every single moment, and with every single decision.

May we all be known by the good fruits we bear and the love we have for one another.

From Gethsemane to Calvary

Gethsemane is often thought of as a place of anguish and pain. It is most famously known as the place where Christ sweat drops of blood as he prayed to his Father and spent the final moments of His physical lifetime preparing to bear our crosses and take on the sins of you and me.

While Gethsemane is famously known as a place of Christ’s anguish and pain, it is often overlooked that Christ went there to pray regularly. The New Testament shows that Christ frequented Gethsemane numerous times. It is a fair assumption that Gethsemane was not so much a place of anguish and pain as it was a place of comfort for Him. Gethsemane was probably among His favorite places to pray, possibly even His most favorite place.

Christ’s comfort zone was Gethsemane. This was the place where he felt secure and safe, evidenced by the things contained in His final prayer there. He let go of all inhibition, allowing Himself to feel such anguish that He sweat drops of blood. Not only this, but it was in Gethsemane that Christ prayed, “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine” (Luke 22:42 NLT). Gethsemane was where Jesus felt comfortable, safe, and secure. However, Jesus knew that He would not be able to remain in Gethsemane all of the time. He knew He had to leave His comfort zone to fulfill His purpose. Eventually, leaving Gethsemane to fulfill His purpose meant that He had to go to Calvary. Calvary was His real place of anguish and pain, not Gethsemane. At Calvary, I wonder if Christ only wished He could be back in Gethsemane, safe and secure, resting in His Father’s arms, instead of hanging on a cross where His Father had to turn His back on Him. Christ had faith that doing His Father's will was the right thing. And as a result of going to Calvary, He was resurrected.

Christians tend to get stuck in comfort zones. We all have our own Gethsemane’s. We all feel comfortable in our own bubbles, in our own places, and around our own friends. Having a Gethsemane is a great thing. Christ had His. And we should have a Gethsemane too. We need a place where we can lose all inhibition and go to our Father in prayer, knowing we can say and ask anything that is on our heart. But we can’t expect to remain in Gethsemane. We, like Christ, have been called to fulfill a greater purpose.

How do you leave your gethsemane and go to your calvary? The answer is self-denial. We, like Christ, have to go to Calvary. For Christ, that meant a physical death on the cross. For us, that means that we have to die to our old selves daily by leaving our comfort zones and fulfilling God’s purpose for us. When you really want to do something, but shouldn't, you deny yourself. You go to calvary. When you really don't want to do something, but you should, you deny yourself. You go to calvary. It could be a particular sin, or it could be something that isn't sinful in and of itself, but can be turned into sin due to lack of self-control or an attempt to fulfill a need in an illegitimate way. One thing is for sure: every single day, Christians are confronted with a multitude of opportunities to make the choice to deny self in some way, small or large, and live for Christ. The right choice is easy to discern, but hard to make without the help of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit dwells in Christians and He provides all of the power that raised Christ from the dead in all of us. Just as God resurrected Christ after Calvary, we can trust Him to resurrect us when we go to calvary by denying ourselves daily. As a result of living for Him in self-denial, He will resurrect more of Christ in each of us as we become more like Christ by living for Him instead of for ourselves.

 There are a lot of things we don’t do (but should) because they make us uncomfortable or we do (but shouldn’t) because they make us comfortable. But the calvary’s we face daily are nothing compared to the Calvary Christ had to face in the end. What is your excuse? When will you follow in Christ's footsteps and go from Gethsemane to Calvary?

Hope

Hope (intransitive verb) - 1. to cherish a desire with anticipation. 2. trust. (transitive verb) 1. to desire with expectation of obtainment. 2. to expect with confidence (See Merriam-Webster: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/hope).

When you think about hope, what do you think about? Hope is one of those abstract concepts that can sometimes be hard to wrap your head around. If you're like me, you are used to hearing the word "hope" used in a selfish context. Phrases like, "I hope I get that iPad for Christmas," "I hope that guy calls me back," "I hope that teacher gives me an 'A'," and the like are how we usually hear the word used. This use of the word matches the definition above, "to cherish a desire with anticipation." It is a use of hope that is associated mostly with strong desire and wishful thinking. While that use of the word hope is by no means wrong, I think our society has in many ways all but forgotten a more important type of hope.

In the Bible we read about hope that is defined differently. There are numerous passages that mention hope. In fact, the word is used roughly 72 times in the New Testament. While several of those occurrences are used like the definition mentioned previously, many times it is used differently.

You have probably heard people talk about how Christians have the hope of salvation and the hope of heaven. It is crucial that we not confuse definitions when we talk about hope in these contexts. To say that Christians have a hope of salvation does not mean that Christians desperately want to be saved and are hoping God decides to save them. Salvation is not wishful thinking for Christians. Instead, this type of hope is full of expectation and knowledge. Christians know that they have been born again and are washed in the blood of Christ on a continual basis. They fully expect that God will fulfill his promise of salvation both in the present and in the future. The same is true when the Bible talks about Christians having the hope of heaven. Hope of heaven is not something as shallow as wishful thinking. On the contrary, Christians have full knowledge that they will be in heaven and hope is the expectation of heaven that they live with on a day-to-day basis.

Having hope as Christians is an amazing thing. Knowing fully that we are saved people on our way to heaven is knowledge that can do great things for us.Our hope and expectation that Christ will, indeed, return is a comfort to us as we face many trials in this world that is not our home.

When you think about your hope of salvation, are you unsure? Do you think in terms of  "I hope I go to heaven when I die"? Christians have no reason to think this way. We are given plenty of assurance when it comes to our salvation. God did not intend for His children to feel as though they are walking on eggshells all of the time. We need to stop wondering if we are really saved and focus our energy on more important things. He made a promise and it is time that we trust Him. None of us is saved based on our own merit. None of us will make it to heaven without relying on Him and trusting in God's grace fully and completely. Ultimately, we either have faith or we don't. I suggest that Christians stop trying to work their way to heaven. Instead, we need to live like Christians, trust God, and accomplish His will.

We have every reason to expect God to fulfill his promise of salvation and to live in hope of that expectation every single day.

My prayer for you is the same as Paul's when he wrote to the Ephesians: "For this reason, because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints, I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of Him, having the eyes of your heart enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which He has called you, what are the riches of His glorious inheritance to the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of His power toward us who believe, according to the working of His great might that He worked in Christ when He raised Him from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. And He put all things under His feet and gave Him as head over all things to the church, which is His body, the fullness of Him who fills all in all." (Eph 1:15-23)

24 Lessons I Have Learned in 24 Months of Marriage

It has been said that the first two years of marriage are the most difficult. I'm not sure if that holds true for every married couple or not. Our first two years have been more joyful than miserable. They've been more fun than unbearable. That being the case, we have learned some valuable lessons during our first 24 months together. I can't speak for my other half, but I can share some of the things that I've learned. In all honesty, if I didn't place a limit on how many things I share, I would probably never stop (hey, you learn something new everyday, right?). For that reason, I am going to list 24 lessons that I have learned in 24 months of marriage. Some may be serious and some may give you a good laugh. They are written in no particular order.

1) Laugh. No matter what else is going on, always find something to laugh about. Everyday. It's good medicine and you feel better about each other when you know you can be yourself and just laugh with each other.

2) Communicate. Don't expect your spouse to know what you are wishing he/she would do. Ladies, if you have a lot to do and you need him to lend a hand with the dishes, just ASK! Kindly. :) Chances are, he won't mind a bit. He didn't offer because he TRULY just didn't think about it. Don't expect your spouse to be a mind reader.

3) Accept. I don't care how compatible you are, your spouse will NEVER meet all of your expectations. You have two options: a) you can resent that fact that your spouse fails to meet your expectations, b) you can accept your spouse as he/she is. Chances are, your expectations are unrealistic anyway. That puts you in the place of the one who needs to change. You can't expect your spouse to be something that is unrealistic. The best option is to accept and appreciate him or her as is.

4) Forgive. We've never been a couple to hold a grudge towards each other, at least not on purpose. We never stay mad at each other for more than a few minutes, a couple of hours tops. Never let yourself go for days or weeks angry at each other. Life is too short and marriage is too sweet to make it miserable for both of you. Get over it and move on. Be willing to agree that you both win, and move on to bigger and better things.

5) Inform. This might be a little crass, but it's necessary. Ladies, inform your man when it's "that time of the month." You, like every other female, will probably get ticked at him for something you would never get ticked about at any other time ever. He will take it personally, get confused, and be angry. By simply informing him that it's about that time, he will expect it and won't think a thing about it. If he knows how to treat a woman, he will be gracious and take whatever you throw at him, knowing that it's nothing personal.

6) Take Pictures. We had engagement pictures taken in the fall, right before our December wedding. Since then, we have had pictures taken each of the subsequent years around the same time. It is amazing to look back to the engagement pictures and see how we've changed in just a little over two years. We just look more mature than we did then. And I have no doubt that when children come along, looking at those old pictures will be a blast for the whole family. And when we are old and gray, we will be able to see every stage of our lives. It's not always convenient, but it's definitely worth it. Even if you have to drag your husband kicking and screaming, he'll be glad you did when it's over with.

7) Choose. Most people associate love with a big rush of happy, warm, fuzzy emotions. If you expect marriage to succeed because of love defined in this way, just know that you're doomed for failure. The purest form of love is love as a choice. This is the type of love that creates a committed marriage that lasts a lifetime. Plain and simple, there will be days when you don't like each other that much. There will be times when you just don't want to show your love for your spouse. But guess what? God wants you to do it anyway. That's why he commands Christians to deny ourselves daily. That means when we don't really want to do something for our spouse, we choose to do it anyway because it is what is best for them. We do it anyway because God expects it. We do it anyway because we promised on December 18, 2010 that we would.

8) Dream. Some of the best moments we've had since we've been married have been the moments when we plan goals and dream about the future together. When you accomplish great milestones, you imagine what the next one will be like. You talk about the future and plan how you hope things will be. These are some of the most energizing conversations we have had. Dreaming together and planning your future together is another part of being committed to each other for a lifetime.

9) Dress Well. If you are planning on accomplishing great things together, dress like it. When I was in high school, I wore t-shirts and jeans almost every single day. There's nothing wrong with that, and I still wear that stuff occasionally. But I've made big changes in that department, and it's amazing how it can make you feel about yourself. Dress for success and you can expect to succeed. And both spouses appreciate seeing one another care enough to dress well. When you feel good about your appearance, you are more confident in who you are, and that positively impacts your marriage along with everything else that you do.

10) Celebrate. When one of you accomplishes something that matters a lot, big or small, celebrate it together. Young married couples are each other's main cheerleader. When something great is accomplished, show the other than you care and that you are proud of them. You need that support and encouragement from each other.

11) Throw Things Away. Don't accumulate junk. Start your marriage off with the good habit of throwing out, or donating, what you don't need. Trust me, it doesn't take long to accumulate enough for two (or more!) households. And clutter can drive you both crazy. Do yourselves a favor and make the habit of going through and de-cluttering a few times a year. You'll thank yourselves for it.

12) Try New Things. There is always something that you've never done together. Find something like that occasionally and do it. You might not enjoy it. You might find you hate it. You might find you love it. But the fun part is doing it together for the first time.

13) Do Old Things. Take the time to go do some of the things you did when you were dating, or things you did together on your honeymoon. It's always good to remember those old times and make new memories in the here and now. Doing things you use to do together can remind you why your together and renew appreciation for one another.

14) Recognize Important Dates. Gifts might not matter much to one or both of you. And that's fine. But it's still important to recognize birthdays, anniversaries, and the like. If you hate gifts, take a trip together or go do something you've been wanting to do for a while. Even if you hate gifts, everyone loves receiving a card. And if going to pick out a card is too difficult, open up a Microsoft Word document and just write down a few thoughts for each other. But DON'T, and I mean DON'T ignore the date altogether. It's nice to have something to save so you can look back at it through the years and appreciate each other more.

15) Care. Both of you will have your own different passions in life. When you're passionate about something, you're going to talk about it, probably a lot. Listen to each other talk about your passions. Express enthusiasm and encourage each other in these areas. Passion is what drives people to do great things and be successful. Help your spouse become all he/she can be by supporting them in their passions.

16) Compromise. This one probably goes without saying. Sometimes you want one thing to happen and your spouse wants another thing to happen. Be willing to give a little and meet in the middle. And once you do compromise, be happy about it. Don't keep holding a grudge about things not going exactly your way. Compromise and then move on.

17) Cuddle. Cuddling is easy when your dating. You always want to be together and being together always includes some form of cuddling, hugging, and holding. After a few months of marriage, this decreases substantially. Make time for it. It really makes you both feel good to hug and cuddle. And sometimes you might need that when you don't even realize it. It's good medicine. Add "we need some cuddle time" to your regular vocabulary.

18) Be a Servant. Something I've grown to appreciate about Matt is his servant heart. He always puts others first and has the most impeccable manners. He never takes the closest parking spot, never walks ahead of someone else, and never fights to be first. If he needs to get up, he almost always asks me if I need or want anything. I've made it a habit of doing the same for him. If we are blessed with children someday, we hope they can pick up on that type of attitude.

19) Read Books. One of the most beneficial things we have done for our relationship is read marriage books together. For us, the way this usually works is we pick out a book together and I read it out loud when we are traveling in the car. This has worked well for us because we tend to travel quite a bit. But being willing to read these books with the attitude that there is always room to improve and grow is so beneficial for both of you.

20) Splurge. One of the facts of life is that it costs money to do things. Be creative. You can always find something affordable. But you should always be willing to splurge occasionally for each other. That might mean eating at your favorite but expensive restaurant once a year. It might mean spending a couple of nights in Gatlinburg together. It might mean buying a shirt or a book for your spouse. But be willing to INVEST in your marriage.

21) Maintain Good Health. We don't win in this area. We aren't the best about eating and exercising well. But we have improved! If you need to shed a few pounds, do it together. And even if one of you doesn't need to lose weight, do it together anyway if it will help your spouse achieve better health. Create an exercise routine to do together, whether it's walking, running, or going to the gym. Hold each other accountable. It's a lot easier when your doing those things as a team than when you're going at it alone.

22) Never Degrade. Don't call each other names. Don't put each other down. Not even jokingly. Most people are critical enough of themselves, without their spouse joining in. Never put each other down to each other's face, or to anyone else. Don't take part in spouse-bashing. It's not beneficial for ANYONE and does nothing but build resentment in you. If you're angry and tempted to do this in the heat of the moment, just leave the room. Don't say a word until you've calmed down.

23) Always Build Up. You can never say enough kind, encouraging words to each other. Always be the first to compliment and congratulate each other. Speak well of each other everywhere, be it in front of your friends, in front of your family, on Facebook, in the pulpit, to your children, or otherwise. If you put your spouse down, you might as well be putting yourself down as well because YOU picked your spouse. Be proud of your choice and speak highly of your spouse always.

24) Get a Pet. Laugh if you want. If you don't already have a pet, get one. This is especially true if you either don't have kids yet and won't for a while or if your kids are gone. It has been astonishing how much getting our little cat has impacted us in positive ways. No matter how discouraging our day is, we always come home to the sweetest little kitty. We both love her to pieces and it's someone we have in common that we can love and share and nurture together. She has brought so much joy into our marriage, more than we ever dreamed was possible.

My prayer is that someone, somewhere, will read this and learn at least one valuable lesson that they can incorporate into their marriage. At the very least, maybe something here will inspire someone to be better than they are. We don't live up to each of these perfectly. But being aware of them can sometimes make all the difference. The time is upon us where the odds are against the majority of married couples to be together "til' death do us part." It is my prayer that something here will help some couple, somewhere, beat those odds. We both have plenty of odds stacked against us. But since day one, divorce has never been an option. In fact, it's never even been in our vocabulary. And we have no doubt that we will be together until death. Our covenant with God is unbreakable and we take our vows to each other as seriously as we take our commitment to Christ. We will be faithful to the end.

how it all began

Tomorrow we will celebrate two years since we became one. Here is how it all began:

She was a senior at Mars Hill Bible School. It was March, and she was counting down the days to graduation. The days to getting out of that place, and finally moving to Henderson. She couldn’t wait until she would FINALLY be a student at Freed-Hardeman University. It was all she had dreamed of since she was in the 7th grade.

She had never dated anyone before. Never even kissed anyone, for that matter. Not that she didn’t want to; but no one was ever really interested (God had a reason for that, which will be revealed later). In fact, she wanted her love story so desperately. She was the epitome of hopeless romantic. At different points in her teen years, she longed to have a boyfriend. To have someone special. To have someone that thought she was “worth fighting for.” Someone that thought she was lovely. Someone to love. Someone to love her. And then one day, she realized that she already had that Someone. His name was Jesus Christ. So she stopped worrying. She knew. She knew He was writing her love story. And she knew she just had to be patient until He was ready. Because she learned that she had to be willing to drop it all and run on His schedule.

When she finally stopped worrying and submitted her life to Him, she decided that in the meantime (until He was ready to bring Prince Charming into her life) she would use all of her spare time to focus on God. And to grow into a deeper, more meaningful relationship to Him. She became a lover of God and of all things Godly and spiritual. She prayed for her Prince Charming often. She prayed for his safety, his success, his purity, and many other things. She even prayed that he might even be a minister. She wanted a man that was as committed to God as she was. And if was committed to sharing the Gospel, he must be the “man after God’s own heart” that she was looking for.

When she became a Senior in high school, she couldn’t help but think in the back of her mind “maybe God will introduce him (Prince Charming) to me when I get to Freed-Hardeman.” This caused her to anticipate and be excited about going there more than ever before. She had planned everything. She was going to room with her best friend, Haley Behel. She had scholarships and grant money lined up. And for Freed-Hardeman, she had scored a pretty awesome financial deal. She made frequent trips to the campus to meet people, make connections. And she prayed about it constantly. She prayed about the Prince she hoped God would bring to her.

But in March of 2009, before she ever reached graduation, she was stopped in her tracks. With plans to go to FHU, room with her best friend, and even a guy she was talking to who was also going to FH, she was brought to a screeching halt. On a Wednesday night, at church, she met him. AND THEN IT STARTED.

He was a Freshmen at Heritage Christian University. He was pursuing a degree in Biblical Studies. He was the youth minister at East Colbert, one of the local congregations. He had beautiful brown eyes and light brown hair that, ironically, was almost the exact shade of hers. He dressed respectably. He was there that night on a campaign with HCU and he took part in the service. He spoke. He spoke about grace. “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound.” And it was eloquent.

She was so set on her plans for FH, and wasn’t even thinking of the option that she might meet Prince Charming right now. She knew he must be waiting for her in Henderson. But she wanted to encourage these Bible students. They had noble goals, after all. So she walked out to the foyer and met different ones, hoping to encourage them in their work for the Lord.

Then she walked up to him. And he was so kind. So gentle. So genuine. And the conversation was so easy.

After the services that evening, the youth group was going to stay and sing for a while. The Bible students were invited to join. Both of them stayed. Both of them worshipped and sang praises to God that night, across from their future spouse. And neither had a clue.

Little did either of them know, this was it. This was that once-in-a-lifetime moment. Neither had any idea that night, in March 2009, that the two of them would be married in December of 2010. In fact, they probably would have thought you were crazy if you told them.

And they are living Happily Ever After.